Why a Partner Might Feel Unsupported (2024)

Jill and Dan settle into opposite ends of the large sofa in my office, across from where I sit. They tell me they want help with a chronic dissatisfaction they both experience — about not getting the support they want and need from the other. I ask for examples, and both quickly jump in:

“You didn’t act very supportive at all that day my mother died,” Jill said. “That really hurt me, that you weren’t there for me. And you even went to a meeting that same night, instead of staying with me, when I needed you. It’s moments like that — I think you’re incapable of empathy, or on the spectrum.”

Dan replied, sounding a bit defensive and annoyed: “It was my alumni club meeting, I’m an officer, and the Congressman was guest speaker. I felt a responsibility to be there. Of course I knew you were hurting, and I left as soon as I could. Remember,” he continued, “I took over arranging the trip to the funeral for us and the kids, on short notice.”

“Big deal, Jill replied. What about just comforting me? I was crying all day, and you could have at least helped out with the children, given the state I was in. My friends were more supportive than you were.”

Dan responded, his voice rising, “Well actually, you weren’t supportive to me at all when my daughter was having that big crisis with her mother, and I had to step in to help work things out. I was dealing with a lot of stress and didn’t know what to do. But you were pretty cold-hearted and just said, “That’s your problem. It’s your ex and your daughter. Go deal with it.’”

Both Jill and Dan continued to describe their feelings of loss and disappointment over not receiving more emotional support from the other, around issues both big and small. And, they said, that had gotten worse over the years of their marriage. They’ve begun to question if it’s headed to the graveyard. Of course, there are likely many issues in their relationship that have yet to surface, but this one — wanting support — is something they’re both very focused on. They say they want more support for their needs, both verbally and in action.

The Quest for Mutuality

Being open to receiving support is crucial for a connected, caring relationship. Research has found that being open to receiving emotional and social support is linked with greater health, overall. Neither Jill nor Dan are unreceptive or reluctant to receive it, as they so strongly point out. But that’s only half of what’s needed for both positive relationships and physical health. The other half is being able to give direct support to the other person, not just receive it willingly. That’s different from telling each other what each isn’t getting from the other. It’s mutuality.

In fact, some new empirical research corroborates what we see clinically: Mutual support, and mutuality around differences and decision-making are necessary for a healthy relationship. For example, a new study from Ohio State looked at the effect of supporting each other in times of need, and how different forms of support impact overall health, an interesting connection. The study recognized that receiving social support from others is known to be a key to health. But the researchers investigated if giving support may also play an important role in health.

It does. They found that being willing to give social support — to your spouse, friends and family — may be more important than just receiving it. The researchers found that on one important measure of overall health — chronic inflammation — indicators of positive social relationships were associated with lower inflammation only among people who said they were available to provide social support to family and friends, not just receive it.

"Positive relationships may be associated with lower inflammation only for those who believe they can give more support in those relationships," said lead author Tao Jiang.

That is, having friends to lean on may not benefit your health unless you're also available to help them when they need it. The researchers found that such relationships are especially rewarding and stress-relieving. And that’s consistent with clinical evidence that positive couples’ relationships are characterized by mutual support. This study was based on 1,054 healthy adults between 34 and 84 years old and published in the journal Brain, Behavior and Immunity.

How to Learn to Give Support — Not Just Receive It

Another study tried to look at that from a different direction than the Ohio State research. An academic study from Ruhr-University Bochum, in Germany, its findings may be limited by its view of the issue to begin with. The researchers focused on how people go about “understanding” each other. They examined how people determine what another person thinks, feels, or wants. They related how that, in turn, enables people to engage in successful, mutually rewarding relationships.

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Published in the journal Erkenntnis, the study described what they called the “strategies” people use to understand each other. It reported that people figure out the mental states of others based on their behavior, or by “mindreading” from what they observe the other person does. The researchers thought that such mindreading is central to social cognition, and therefore central to understanding others. And that, one would think, is crucial to knowing how to provide the support the other person needs.

In my view, this study may be flawed by its focus on cognitive “strategies” that enable people to understand each other and build a positive, mutually supportive relationship. They did acknowledge that people combine several strategies to understand others. But the problem is that mutuality — necessary for healthy intimate relationships, or even for functional relationships, say in a work setting — is not just a cognitive “strategy.” The latter is useful for planning a direction with a project or goal. Rather, mutuality grows from a mixture of mental and emotional awareness, of both oneself and the other person; and awareness of the impact each of you has upon the other.

Here’s what that looks like and how to grow it:

Four Parts Of Positive Relationship Connection

The first two concern your own and the other’s interior life and how it impacts the relationship:

1. Work to expand awareness of your own feelings, desires and goals — immediate and longer-term — within that relationship. It may require outside help or meditative practice.

2. Expand your awareness into and within the other’s feelings, desires and goals — immediate and longer-term — within your relationship. Step outside of yourself and tune into that person’s interior world, as best as you can discern it. That may also require help and guidance to “see” a situation from how the other person experiences it.

The other two parts concern the impact each of you has upon the other:

3. Observe and acknowledge the impact you have upon the other. It may be verbal or non-verbal; or even by virtue of physical presence and appearance. In a work setting, it might be role-related. Tune in to what you see in their reaction. Be open to asking.

4. Observe and accept the impact the other has upon you. Similarly, it may be verbal, non-verbal, or aspects of that person’s physical presence or vibes that trigger an emotional response or attitude. And it may be unrelated to that person, per se, but to an association you’re not sufficiently conscious of.

Think back to the vignette about Jill and Dan. Can you see how the absence of mutuality — giving and receiving support — doesn’t have to continue into a death spiral if they work to grow these four parts of a positive and mutual connection?

Facebook image: Lordn/Shutterstock

Why a Partner Might Feel Unsupported (2024)

FAQs

Why a Partner Might Feel Unsupported? ›

One partner may feel unsupported when he/she seeks emotional support and the other partner responds in a way that feels invalidating such as by saying, “oh, that's not a big deal” or by refusing to talk to the partner until he/she “calms down”. This can cause a lot of hurt, sadness, and resentment.

Why do I feel unsupported in my relationship? ›

Couples who feel unsupported by their partner may be missing a key ingredient that creates mutuality: providing support. Positive relationships require openness to receiving support and being able to provide it to the other person.

What makes an unsupportive partner? ›

From the big stuff to the little stuff, Schiff says an unsupportive partner will do just the opposite. They won't cheer you on or find ways to help you along. Instead, they'll forget to ask questions, they won't seem interested, and it'll often feel like you're doing it all on your own.

How do I make my partner feel supported? ›

How to Support Your Partner When You're Hurting Too
  1. Set aside time daily to listen to each other. ...
  2. Ask for what you need. ...
  3. Engage in 'non-demand' affection. ...
  4. Practice the Stress Reducing Conversation. ...
  5. Avoid competition. ...
  6. Listen to the triggers. ...
  7. Make time for good things between you. ...
  8. Repair the damage.

What does it feel like to feel unsupported? ›

This can leave us feeling drained, tired, and unhappy, like we're moving through life without much fuel to keep going. During my adolescence and early adulthood, this was a huge struggle for me. I rarely found a place or group of friends where I felt like I “belonged” and, therefore, I didn't feel supported.

What is an unsupportive relationship? ›

In an unsupportive relationship, we might feel that our emotional needs are constantly missed or not attended to, increasing our sense of loneliness and leading to an accumulation of tension in the relationship (Feeney and Collins, 2015).

What are the signs that a relationship won't work? ›

What does real trouble look like?
  • There's no emotional connection. ...
  • Communication breakdown. ...
  • Aggressive or confrontational communication. ...
  • There's no appeal to physical intimacy. ...
  • You don't trust them. ...
  • Fantasising about others. ...
  • You're not supporting each other and have different goals. ...
  • You can't imagine a future together.

How do you know if your partner isn't satisfied? ›

Attention Men! Here Are 5 Signs That Tell That Your Partner Is Not Satisfied In Bed
  1. They Don't Respond During Sex. ...
  2. They Often Go To Bed Before Or After You. ...
  3. They Stopped Initiating Sex. ...
  4. They Only Want To Pay Attention To You. ...
  5. Even You Don't Enjoy Sex With Them Anymore.
Jun 29, 2021

What is stonewalling in a relationship? ›

⁠ ⁠ Stonewalling, one of the Four Horsemen, is Dr. John Gottman's term for one or both partners shutting down when feeling overwhelmed during conflict. Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be unresponsive, making evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, or acting busy.

How do you fix lack of support in a relationship? ›

Is Your Relationship Lacking Emotional Support? Here's How to Fix it.
  1. Ask questions. ...
  2. Practice active listening. ...
  3. Respect their feelings. ...
  4. More physical touch. ...
  5. Give small gifts. ...
  6. Be kind in public. ...
  7. Give compliments. ...
  8. Go out of your way when your partner is having a bad day.
Jun 29, 2021

What does lack of emotional support look like? ›

Your partner shuts down when you want to talk. You're not sure what your partner wants from you. You don't engage in social activities as a couple. Your go-to person is a friend, not your partner.

How do people act when they feel unloved? ›

Feeling unlovable can impact your life and relationships in many ways. People who feel unlovable might engage in people-pleasing behaviors and struggle with recognizing when someone is manipulating or taking advantage of them. This is because they believe that they need to earn love.

What does emotional abandonment look like? ›

Signs of emotional abandonment.

When you want to talk about something, your partner places the blame on you and pulls away from you rather than communicating their genuine feelings. You regularly experience your partner withholding affection, approval, or attention from you.

Is it normal to feel helpless in a relationship? ›

Feeling Helpless In A Relationship Is NOT Normal, So Don't Fall For That Trap. Sometimes you get into relationships despite knowing there is going to come a point when the regret will get real.

How do you know if your partner is not compatible with you? ›

Signs you are not compatible with your partner no matter how much you love him
  • 01/8​Signs you are not compatible with your partner. ...
  • 02/8​You imagine different futures. ...
  • 03/8​You fight the wrong way. ...
  • 04/8​You don't feel loved. ...
  • 05/8​You are not yourself. ...
  • 06/8​Your partner does not value your needs. ...
  • 07/8​Areas of interest.
Jul 11, 2019

Why do I feel like my relationship is failing? ›

The main reasons why relationships fail are loss of trust, poor communication, lack of respect, a difference in priorities, and little intimacy.

What to do when your partner isn't supporting you? ›

Here are seven different ways for you to think and act so you don't feel so hurt.
  1. Change your perspective to include your partner. ...
  2. Draw from Recovery concepts. ...
  3. Think about how your partner does 'support' you in other ways. ...
  4. Allow your partner to disagree. ...
  5. Build your network of social support.

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